Of course, I am the only one struggling and everyone else is perfectly fine.
Movie night, anyone?
I had planned to write about something else this week, but as happens with most of these entries, I felt that what happened recently was more important. That said, I don’t have any relevant pictures for this post, so enjoy photos of my cats!
I’ve always struggled with feeling guilty, whether or not I have something to feel guilty about. I believe a lot of this guilt is misplaced onto things that don’t — at face value — make much sense. For example, this week I felt guilty about wanting to skip a run.
In other words, I equated wanting to skip a run with doing something wrong. But all I wanted was to not go on a run. I was worn out physically and emotionally; when I tried to take a nap earlier in the day, I was awoken multiple times by phone calls from the vet to discuss the care of my sick cat. I was fed up and crying for what I thought, at first, was no reason at all, but later came to realize was two weeks worth of emotions finally releasing themselves from my body. Things have been good lately, but have also been hard.
At that moment, I heard the voice of my therapist asking me if I had been practicing any self care. The answer was no.
Despite all of this, guilt still overwhelmed me. It’s awful to feel like I’ve done something wrong, even when I haven’t, even when what I feel guilty for is so inconsequential. I wanted to skip a 30-minute easy run to sit on the couch, watch a movie, knit, and eat pizza. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with that.
But guilt is a symptom of an anxiety spiral.
If I miss this run, I’ll ruin my training. If I miss this run, I’ll disappoint my coach. If I miss this run, it just proves that I can’t commit myself to anything.
Sure, none of that is true, but that doesn’t mean it feels that way in my brain.
All day I dreaded the moment I’d have to go out for my run. I kept trying to talk myself into it, reminding myself it’s only thirty minutes and once it’s over, it’s over. I can go on with the rest of my day. Just push through it. You ran 17 miles on Saturday and now you can’t even spend 30 minutes running? What is wrong with you?
My self-talk isn’t always positive. I am my harshest critic, after all. I think most people are harder on themselves than they are on those around them. It’s easy for me to hold myself to the highest standard. I’m me. I should be able to do everything without feeling any type of way. Ever.
Often, I think I am alone in this, that I’m the only one struggling. Certainly everyone else is doing just fine and not whining, complaining, and crying about not wanting to run for thirty minutes. The hardest piece of this was knowing, deep in my soul, that what I needed was rest. And to have that rest, I wanted permission so I wouldn’t feel guilty about allowing myself to rest.
Kimberly, my #1 supporter in all things, talked to me while I just wallowed in my feelings about not wanting to go on a run. She said a few things I thought were important:
Skipping one run isn’t going to ruin my marathon training.
Just because I skip this run, doesn’t mean I’ll skip other runs.
There’s nothing to feel guilty about. I’m not doing anything wrong.
I should just text my coach and tell her what I’m dealing with.
Of course, in my emotional state, the first three things went in one ear and out the other. But I did listen to the last piece of advice and typed up a message to Coach Dana explaining how I was feeling. She promptly responded to tell me I’m not the only one. Actually, others are struggling this week. Training is hard. Life is hard. Sometimes we need to cut back and that’s okay. I don’t have to keep running myself into a brick wall.
She gave me some options, and I said I wanted to skip running that day, but I thought I could manage the rest of the week. I wanted one night off. I could have it. Coach Dana also affirmed the things that Kimberly told me (sorry Kimberly — sometimes I have to hear things twice before they really soak in) and I took a few deep breaths.
Skipping a run isn’t going to cause a downward spiral in which I never run again and so I can’t train for the marathon. I ran 17 miles last Saturday. The marathon isn’t too far off. I’ve already worked this hard and haven’t quit yet. I’m not going to. I just needed some rest.
Perhaps the hardest lesson here is that sometimes even I need to rest, and when I do, I should listen to the instincts that tell me “today is not a day to grin and bear it. Just watch a horror movie, order pizza, and hang out with the cats.”
I have nothing to feel guilty about. I’m not failing myself by resting. I’m not disappointing anyone by resting. Marathon training continues tomorrow and I’ll keep going all the way to the finish line.
Yes, you’re definitely not alone in this! I’m so happy you have supporters in the ring with you willing to say the ostensibly sensible things that our minds just sometimes overlook in guilt/anxiety spirals. One day off never has to ruin a program and often fuels better performance when you’re in need of a recharge. You got this!
The cat pics definitely added. Love it when they forget that their tongues are a thing!! 😂
Omg I relate to this big time. I have anxiety, I feel guilty about everything, and I am way too hard on myself. For a while, I thought being cruel to myself was the way to get things done. Then I realized you can be your own coach: tough, but fair.
Also, your cats! That blep! Those names! I hope Arya is ok.