Would I Survive a Horror Movie? A Marathon-Training Thought Experiment
Spoiler alert: I'd probably die (sometimes)
Hi friends! This week’s post is a little bit different, but a lot of fun to write.
News & Updates
I also wanted to share my interview with Evelyn Berry, which was published today on Write or Die. I had such a great time chatting with Evelyn and the interview turned out well!
My article about Ti West’s MaXXXine came out last Friday. Ti West’s X trilogy is one of my favorite film series, so closing out my series on the film for Manor Vellum was bitter sweet.
Last summer, I watched all of the Friday the 13th films. The franchise was a gaping hole in my horror “education.” While I’ve enjoyed horror movies for several years now, I still have not seen all of the major franchises. When I go to horror conventions, I sometimes feel like a poser because I haven’t seen Child’s Play or any of the sequels to Halloween. I just watched Psycho for the first time last weekend. If you ask me what I have seen, though, I can rattle off titles upon titles of the worst movies you could possibly watch.
All that to say — regardless of the fact I don’t have a lot of Chucky knowledge — I do love horror movies. I spent some time at a horror convention recently and it got me thinking about my ability to survive a horror movie.
One of my all-time favorite scenes is in the first Scream film. Randy Meeks, the nerdy film guy, explains to a group of teenagers at a no-parents house party how to survive a horror film. While he’s doing this, Ghostface murders someone in the garage. Had she followed Randy’s rules, would she have survived? We can’t know for sure, but we could speculate.
I can also speculate about my own ability to survive horror’s most notorious villains and killers. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Ghostface (Scream)
Ghostface is not actually a consistent entity. Each movie, someone (or multiple someones) dons the mask and cape to do some stabbing. Because of marathon training, I’ve really improved my endurance. I think I can also run faster than I used to be able to. However, I don’t think that my running ability would save me from Ghostface. After all, there could be two Ghostfaces. Also, Ghostface is usually quicker than most horror movie villains, so I don’t think I would have a chance.
I’d probably end up like Casey Becker with my guts spilling out of my abdomen.
Michael Myers (Halloween)
Michael Myers never runs, which is pretty crazy when you think about how many people he has killed. Somehow, he catches them anyway. It reminds me of the entity in It Follows, which pursues its victim at all costs, walking at a steady pace until it reaches them. Michael is like that, except (in the first movie, anyway) he enacts violence on sex-having babysitters, the horror of all horrors.
Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) does survive, partially for her own resilience in the face of danger and partially because she represents the good of virginal young women.
If Michael Myers was chasing me with a knife, I think my endurance training would pay off. I could probably run all the way to safety, with him walking behind me, never picking up in a run. As long as I didn’t try to hide in a closet or run upstairs — why people in horror movies do this is beyond me — then I think I might be okay.
Freddie Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
The thing about Freddie is that he kills people in their dreams. Marathon training makes me tired. When I’m tired, I sleep. RIP to me.
The Driller Killer (Slumber Party Massacre)
Slumber Party Massacre is one of my favorite slasher franchises. The first film (SPM1), written by Rita Mae Brown, is a feminist masterpiece. The second film (SPM2) is a wack-as-hell wild ride.
The killer in these movies is known as “The Driller Killer” because — quite obviously — he murders people with a drill. In SPM1, the killer is much more sinister. He preys upon teenage girls at a slumber party. The body count is high with blood and guts (in a classic 80s style) galore. Neighbor girl Valerie kills the murderer, while her younger sister Courtney looks on in shock.
The second film follows Courtney, who has flashbacks to the events of SPM1 and dreams of a Danny Zuko knockoff playing a guitar with a drill bit where the tuning pegs should be. The entire premise is ridiculous and there are several musical numbers. I highly recommend it.
Anyway, I think I’d have a solid chance surviving the Driller Killer, but I don’t think my endurance abilities would save me. Most of the people who run away and seek help in these films end up disemboweled when the drill goes through their torso. I’d probably need some help from quick-thinking friends.
Jason (Friday the 13th)
First, we need to establish that Jason isn’t the killer in the original Friday the 13th. His mom is the killer, and I am completely confident in my ability to survive Jason’s mom because I am not a young, drunk, sex-crazed camp counselor at Crystal Lake who would let a kid drown. Also, I can probably run faster than her and make it to safety.
Jason, on the other hand, is a man of nine lives. The amount of times he dies and comes back to life is definitely more than once. The whole thing is quite ridiculous. That said, even if I were to outrun him and survive at one point in my life, who’s to say that he wouldn’t just re-animate to finish the job later? He also has the element of surprise on his side. He’s always popping up in places and behind doors and then the characters are like, Oh shit, I’m about to get murdered.
Actual, unkillable Jason would probably murder me. Unless I’m final girl material, and then maybe I’d survive.
While weight lifting would not help me survive, I bet I could make a similar list for archery!
I hope you are one day strong enough to outrun all your problems!